Jimmy Kimmel


Last quote by Jimmy Kimmel

You ever see the movie Back to the Future, where he goes back in time and almost has sex with his mother. That's me and Dave.feedback
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NEW Oct 23 2017
We can learn a lot about a person if we know what types of things he or she talks about or comments on the most frequently. There are numerous topics with which Jimmy Kimmel is associated, including Oscars, Donald Trump, and thx. Most recently, Jimmy Kimmel has been quoted saying: “No one from his generation influenced American comedy more.” in the article David Letterman Earns Mark Twain Prize for Late-Night High Jinks.
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Jimmy Kimmel quotes

Oct 18 2017 - American politics

I saw – I don't know if it was a study or a poll or some combination of those two things – that, like, three years ago, I was equally liked by Republicans and Democrats, and then Republican numbers went way down, like, 30 percent or whatever. And, you know, as a talk-show host, that's not ideal, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.feedback

Oct 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

All of the jokes you will hear tonight were written in small batches, by hand, on biodegradable hemp parchment, using natural ink that was made from sustainably harvested Lincoln berries.feedback

Oct 17 2017

In honor of our show being here in Brooklyn, all of the jokes you will hear tonight were written in small batches, by hand, on biodegradable hemp parchment.feedback

Oct 14 2017 - Trump Presidency

At this point I'm not sure Donald Trump could finish the maze on the back of a Denny's kids' menu.feedback

Oct 12 2017

Never? I don't know, because that's what dictators do?feedback

Oct 12 2017 - Trump Presidency

President Trump is very unhappy right now. Vanity Fair had a story today that says he told his longtime security chief, I hate everyone in the White House.' The White House responded today by saying the president's mood is good and his outlook on the agenda is very positive.feedback

Oct 12 2017

Imagine, the White House has to announce the president's mood is good. The report also says he's not getting along with chief of staff General John Kelly, so in response to that the president tweeted: 'This story is totally made up by the dishonest media. The Chief is doing a FANTASTIC job for me and, more importantly, for the USA! Whenever they ask what he thinks of him, he says: 'He's a general.' That's like being asked what you think of your steak, and you say: 'It was a cow.feedback

Oct 03 2017

I want this to be a comedy show. I just want to laugh about things every night, but it seems to be increasingly difficult lately. It feels like someone has opened a window into hell.feedback

Oct 03 2017

There is probably no way to ever know why a human being would do something like this to other human beings who were at a concert, having fun and listening to music. With all due respect, your thoughts and your prayers are insufficient.feedback

Oct 03 2017

They should be praying for God to forgive them for letting the gun lobby run this country.feedback

Oct 03 2017

I don't know why our so-called leaders continue to allow this to happen or maybe the better question is why do we let them allow it to happen.feedback

Sep 28 2017 - Catalonia

The economy evaporated pretty much overnight.feedback

Sep 27 2017 - Trump Presidency

I bet the walls of the Oval Office are filled with dozens of tiny fist holes today. The idea that Donald Trump would criticize anyone for changing his position is very rich. It's definitely richer than he is. Donald Trump has more flip-flops than a Jimmy Buffet concert. No one contradicts himself more. No one ever, in history.feedback

Sep 27 2017 - American politics

This isn't about sides, it's about people who are sick.feedback

Sep 26 2017

Every major health organization in the United States is on my side. Every major charity that has to do with health and Medicare was on my side, because the facts were on my side. It has nothing to do with me – it's just a matter of what's true and what isn't true.feedback

Sep 26 2017 - Republican Party

The truth is, John McCain probably saved the Republican party by doing this. You think Graham-Cassidy is horrible now? Wait until people have to live with it.feedback

Sep 26 2017

It would be easy for me to dismiss this at right wing hysteria. I need to come clean ... My wife and I were worried about health care ... so we decided to have a baby with congenital heart defects. Once we had that going for us, I went on TV, I spoke out, and we may have stopped Graham-Cassidy. I still can't believe we pulled it off. That means this bill is almost certainly dead, or at the very least, on life support. Which won't be covered.feedback

Sep 26 2017 - Obamacare

Thank you @SenatorCollins for putting people ahead of party. We are all in your debt.feedback

Sep 23 2017 - Affordable Care Act

Preexisting conditions? Nope. If the bill passes, individual states can let insurance companies charge you more if you have a preexisting condition. You'll find that little loophole later in the document, after it says they can't. They can and they will.feedback

Sep 22 2017

A lot of people have been saying I'm not qualified to talk about this. And that is true, I'm not qualified to talk about this. I think those people forget that Bill Cassidy named this test after me. Am I supposed to just be quiet about that?feedback

Sep 22 2017

I should not be the guy you go to for information on health care. But if these guys would tell the truth for a change I wouldn't have to. I see these comments from these angry people that say, What qualifies you to talk about this stuff? You're a comedian, go back to not being funny.' I feel like it's my duty to remind these people who are so concerned about my job qualifications, the guy you voted for for president, his main qualification was this.feedback

Sep 22 2017 - Diabetes

His supporters say, well he's a doctor and you're not, what do you know. To them I say, all of these very reputable organizations – American Diabetes Association, American Medical Association, American Cancer Society, American Heart Association, the list goes on and on – all of these groups populated by doctors say this health care bill is bad. They're against it.feedback

Sep 22 2017 - Islam

People tell me I should give [Cassidy] the benefit of the doubt, and I do give him the benefit of the doubt. I doubt all the benefits he claims are part of his healthcare bill. At this point, [Trump] would sign anything if it meant getting ride of Obamacare. He'd sign copies of the Quran at the Barnes & Noble in Fallujah if it meant he could get rid of Obamacare. Have you seen some of our states? If Florida could make their own decisions, it would be legal to bring an alligator into a strip club.feedback

Sep 22 2017 - Trump Presidency

Most definitely does not pass that test. We haven't seen this many people come forward to speak out against a bill since Cosby. He doesn't know the difference between Medicare and Medicaid. He barely knows the difference between Melania and Ivanka.feedback

Sep 22 2017 - Republican Party

I'm asking why people like you aren't listening to actual experts like the American Medical Association?feedback

Sep 21 2017

Or could it be, senator Cassidy, that I do understand, and you got caught with your G-O-Penis out? I don't want to turn this into a Kanye and Taylor Swift type situation, but when Senator Cassidy was on my show in May he told me that he believed that every American family, regardless of income, should be able to get quality healthcare and I believed he was sincere. Sadly, the bill he unveiled last week with Lindsey Graham indicates that he was not sincere. It is by many accounts the worst healthcare bill yet.feedback

Sep 21 2017

Last night on our show, a senator from Louisiana, Bill Cassidy, I took him to task for promising to my face that he would oppose any healthcare plan that allowed insurance companies to turn people with pre-existing conditions away, and any healthcare plan that had an annual or lifetime cap on how much they would pay out for medical care. Today, he and his co-sponsor Lindsey Graham spent the morning defending the indefensible and pulled the 'all comedians are dummies' card.feedback

Sep 21 2017

I don't understand because I'm a talk-show host? Which part don't I understand? Is it the part where you cut $243bn from federal healthcare assistance? Am I not understanding the part where states would be allowed to let insurance companies price you out of coverage for having pre-existing conditions? Maybe I don't understand the part in which federal funding disappears completely after 2026? Or maybe it was the part where the plans are no longer required to pay for essential health benefits like maternity care or pediatric visits?feedback

Sep 21 2017

There are no pill parties happening in preschools. These kids aren't making a choice because they are trying to get high on a substance.feedback

Sep 20 2017

I don't know what happened to Bill Cassidy. But when he was on this publicity tour, he listed his demands for a health-care bill very clearly. These were his words. He said he wants coverage for all, no discrimination based on preexisting conditions, lower premiums for middle-class families and no lifetime caps. Guess what? The new bill does none of those things.feedback

Sep 20 2017 - Republican Party

My family has health insurance we don't have to worry about this, but other people do. So, you can shove your disgusting comments where your doctor won't be giving you a prostate exam once they take your health care benefits away.feedback

Sep 20 2017 - Netflix

Young Billy made his first visit to our office today. He's juggling. He's translating Flaubert from French into English. No – he smiles. That's pretty much it. He is very interested in ceiling fans. He likes those a lot. I could get him to pay the same amount for Netflix just to watch ceiling fans.feedback

Sep 20 2017

Senator Cassidy, you were on my show, you seem like you're a decent guy. But here's the thing: Nobody outside of your buddies in Congress wants this bill…Right now, there's a bipartisan group of senators working to improve the health-care system we have…pitch in and be a part of that…And if not? Stop using my name.feedback

Sep 20 2017 - Republican Party

This guy, Bill Cassidy, just lied right to my face.feedback

Sep 20 2017 - Mexico

The things that make us different, those are our superpowers.feedback

Sep 15 2017

He's probably too young to have seen any of that stuff, so I'm sure he's coming up with it on his own. …What he shows is that people are so polite that they will at least humor you if you have a weird idea as long as they believe you think it's good. It especially works when you come off the way Nathan does, where it does not seem like he's joking.feedback

Sep 15 2017

It feels similar to those early Letterman 'man in the field' pieces where you felt like nobody was watching.feedback

Sep 14 2017 - Trump Presidency

You are charged with going in front of the press and saying the inauguration crowd is the biggest crowd ever.feedback

Sep 12 2017

I think it's important to recognize that these brave men and women risk everything for no good reason at all. And I applaud them for that.feedback

Sep 12 2017

Billy and I love drooling over what @adamperrylang made.feedback

Sep 12 2017 - Sinai Peninsula

He's doing well. This is really his first public outing. So it's not exciting for him … He's a baby. He doesn't know anything. But everybody's doing well. My wife was in bed relaxing. A very attentive nurse at Cedars-Sinai heard a murmur in his heart and noticed he was a bit purple, which is not common. [Nurses] determined he wasn't getting enough oxygen in his blood, either in his heart or lungs. It's a terrifying thing, you know, my wife is back in the recovery room, she has no idea what's going on.feedback

Sep 07 2017

That scene was magic. The silence is maybe the best part of the show. There are moments where he and the person he's interviewing are just kind of looking at each other. I love that.feedback

Sep 06 2017 - DACA

Trump could be deporting hundreds of thousands of immigrants, which is a real faux pas on Trump's part. Because as everyone knows, you're not supposed to wear your white supremacy after Labor Day.feedback

Sep 06 2017 - DACA

When we left, we were busy revisiting the Civil War. Now we're back with a good old-fashioned Korean War. So who says we're not making progress?feedback

Sep 06 2017 - DACA

It seems like his main agenda is just to undo everything Obama did. I hope he doesn't bring Bin Laden back to life.feedback

Aug 24 2017

Jay and I have made peace. After my son had his operation, he called me and he was very nice.feedback

Aug 17 2017 - Facebook

It just goes to show you that if you try to understand where people are coming from, and talk to them like human beings, they will open up. You just have to communicate.feedback

Aug 16 2017 - Star Wars

We need to set him up in a castle, maybe in Florida, lead him to the top and then lock the door to that castle – forever.feedback

Aug 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

After all, it's not what the president thinks or says – America is bigger than that, greater than that.feedback

Aug 16 2017

And you thought, you know what, this guy's different and I want different. Let's shake this Etch A Sketch hard and start over. So you vote for him. And then he beats the ultimate political insider, Hillary Clinton. You picked a horse at, like, 35-1 and it paid off. It starts off OK. He meets with President Obama and they seem to have a nice conversation.feedback

Aug 16 2017

It was supposed to be a press conference about infrastructure and it ended with our president making an angry, impassioned defense of white supremacists. It was like if your book-club meeting turned into a cock fight. I don't know who decided it would be a good idea to send him out there to talk to reporters today, but whoever did obviously misread his state of mind and the mood in this country right now. Here's the thing. If you're with a group of people and they're chanting things like 'Jews will not replace us' and you don't immediately leave that group, you are not a very fine person.feedback

Aug 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

This is so crazy. I want to speak to those of you who voted for Donald Trump. I want to say: 'I get it.' You were unhappy with the way things were going. You didn't want business as usual. Nothing ever seems to get done. And you're sick of it. So this guy shows up riding down a golden escalator. He's a billionaire, he's not politically correct. He's not even correct, usually. He talks tough. He wants to drain the swamp.feedback

Aug 15 2017

He's a very good kid. You and your wife must be very proud because he's always in a good mood, he's a worker, all of that stuff.feedback

Aug 09 2017

So, as you can see, the vacation is really relaxing him. We're sorry we made fun of you. Go back to golfing before you kill all of us. I watched that clip about a dozen times today and after viewing number eight, I noticed this. Watch as it goes over. The camera pans over to Kellyanne. That is the face of someone who just realized she has to get up at 4am tomorrow to defend this all day.feedback

Aug 09 2017 - North Korea

By the way, he's making this crazy threat from a golf course. There's probably a little shop that sells range balls in the next room. US intelligence, by the way, assess that North Korea has successfully produced a miniaturized nuclear warhead that could potentially reach California, Oregon, and Washington, three states that didn't vote for guess-who, by the way.feedback

Jul 16 2017

Only Donald Trump, would treat a meeting with a world leader like it's a swingers' key party or something.feedback

Jul 12 2017 - Antarctica

Donald Jr. hired a lawyer yesterday. This lawyer in the past represented members of the Mafia, which actually makes sense. Because the Trumps are like the Corleone family – if all of them were Fredo.feedback

Jul 12 2017 - Antarctica

There's a kind of Protestant-work-ethic guilt attached to skipping. But do what you gotta do.feedback

Jul 10 2017

I just add organic food coloring to pancake mix and I put each one in a squirt bottle and I'll just kind of squirt it out on to the pan. My daughter makes requests and then I have to obey those requests.feedback

Jun 25 2017

Before 2014, if you were born with congenital heart disease like my son was, there was a good chance you'd never be able to get health insurance because you had a pre-existing condition. And if your parents didn't have medical insurance, you might not live long enough to even get denied because of a pre-existing condition.feedback

Jun 20 2017

They still actually haven't confirmed the happy news officially, but that's not particularly unusual. They did this with their daughter, Blue Ivy, too. They waited years before showing their wedding photos. And to this day, no one knows what happened to the fourth member of Destiny's Child. She's just gone.feedback

Jun 20 2017

This is exciting. This afternoon we managed to get – I don't know, how did we get this, Jason? Through sources? OK. We managed to get an exclusive first photo of the babies, of [the] children. I won't tell you how and I should make you wait until the end of the show to see this, but I can't wait anymore myself. Here they are, the world's most anticipated twins.feedback

Jun 02 2017

It made sense that he did it from the Rose Garden, while we still have roses and gardens.feedback

May 31 2017 - Kabul

Let's not throw a parade yet. To say we're better than last year is good, but last year was disastrous, so it's not a great benchmark. This is one weekend.feedback

May 24 2017 - Russia

This budget makes huge promises that it can't possibly deliver. It's basically the Fyre Festival of budgets.feedback

May 16 2017

If you think we screwed up the ending this year, wait until you see what we have planned for the 90th anniversary show!feedback

May 16 2017

The good news is that we got to see some extra speeches. I knew I would screw this show up.feedback

May 09 2017

It was insensitive, it was offensive.feedback

May 09 2017

What's that? I didn't save it? They voted against it anyway? I'd like to apologize for saying that children in America should have health care. It was insensitive, it was offensive, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. That's terrific if your baby's health problems are all solved during that one visit. The only problem is that never, ever happens. We've had a dozen doctor's appointments since our son had surgery. Don't give a huge tax cut to millionaires like me.feedback

May 09 2017

There's a reason he's named after a lizard and that was it.feedback

May 09 2017 - Christmas

One week ago tonight, I made an emotional speech -– that was seen by millions -– and as a result of my powerful words, Republicans in Congress had second thoughts about repeal and replace, they realized that what is right is right -– and I saved health insurance in America! Oh, I didn't? They voted against it anyway? I really need to pay more attention to the news. Our plan is to send a card to everyone who made a donation and there were a lot, so you might be getting those at Christmas time.feedback

May 09 2017

Yes, it is true that if you have an emergency, they will do an operation. And that's terrific if your baby's health problems are all solved during that one visit. The only problem is that never, ever happens. We've had a dozen doctors appointments since our son had surgery. You've got a cardiologist, the pediatrician, surgeon, some kids need an ambulance to transport them. That doesn't even count the parents who have to miss work for all this stuff. Those details, Newt forgot to mention. I don't know if the double layers of Spanx are restricting the blood flow to his brain.feedback

May 09 2017 - American politics

Why are the vast majority of Republican politicians against making sure Americans are truly covered when it comes to health-care?feedback

May 09 2017

I made an emotional speech that was seen by millions. And as a result of my powerful words on that night, Republicans in Congress had second thoughts about repeal and replace…I saved health insurance in the United States of America. I know this is gonna shock you – there were also some not-so-nice things that people said online about me, including members of the media. ). I guess it came true! I would like to apologize for saying that children in America should have health-care. It was insensitive. It was offensive and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.feedback

May 09 2017

There are some very sick and sad people out there. Here's one of them, his name is Newt Gingrich.feedback

May 09 2017

I can think of a way to pay for it is don't give a huge tax cut to millionaires like me and instead, leave it how it is. I mean, that would be one way. That's my vote.feedback

May 04 2017 - American politics

If you were born with congenital heart disease like my son was, there was a good chance you'd never be able to get health insurance because you had a pre-existing condition. If your parents didn't have medical insurance, you might not live long enough to even get denied because of a pre-existing condition.feedback

May 03 2017

We were brought up to believe that we live in the greatest country in the world, but until what, a few years ago, millions and millions of us had no access to health insurance at all. Before 2014, if you were born with congenital heart disease like my son was, there was a good chance you'd never be able to get health insurance because you had a pre-existing condition.feedback

May 03 2017

If your baby is going to die and it doesn't have to, it shouldn't matter how much money you make. We need to make sure that the people who are supposed to represent us, people who are meeting about this right now in Washington, understand that very clearly.feedback

May 02 2017 - Snapchat

And I hate to even say, but even that son of a bitch Matt Damon sent flowers.feedback

May 02 2017 - Democratic Party

If your baby is going to die and it doesn't have to, it shouldn't matter how much money you make. ... Whether you're a Republican or a Democrat or something else, we all agree on that, right?feedback

May 02 2017

Thank God our Congressmen made a deal [Monday] night to not go along with that.feedback

May 02 2017

Don't let partisan squabbles divide us on something that every decent person wants. No parent should ever have to decide if they can afford to save their child's life.feedback

May 02 2017

It's hard to explain. Basically, the pulmonary valve was completely blocked. And he has a hole in the wall between the left and right sides of his heart. I'm sorry. You know, I try not to get emotional, but it was a scary story. And before I go into it, I want you to know it has a happy ending, okay? So when I'm telling this, don't get too upset. Leave that to me.feedback

May 02 2017

He appeared to be a normal, healthy baby until about three hours after he was born. We were out of the delivery room; we moved to the recovery room. Our whole family was there. We introduced him to his 2½-year-old sister. She was cute with him. We were happy; everything was good. My wife was in bed relaxing, when a very attentive nurse … was checking him out and heard a murmur in his heart, which is common with newborn babies. But she also noticed he was a bit purple, which is not common. My wife and I assumed it would be nothing; our daughter had a heart murmur, too.feedback

May 02 2017

He's doing great. He's eating, he's sleeping – he peed on his mother today while she was changing his diaper. He's doing all the things that he is supposed to do.feedback

May 02 2017

Every one of my friends was there 100%. We had atheists praying for us, okay? We had people who do not believe in God praying to him. And I hate to even say, but even that son-of-a-bitch Matt Damon sent flowers.feedback

Apr 19 2017

In some cases, some people deserve to get bumped.feedback

Apr 14 2017 - Afghanistan

So Canada's about to become the stoner living in America's attic.feedback

Apr 13 2017 - Easter

This sort of thing should be the easy stuff.feedback

Apr 12 2017

Sean Spicer might be the only press secretary who needs a press secretary.feedback

Apr 12 2017

Did I just defend Hitler? Hitler! Yeah, I think I did. If it wasn't so disturbing, it would have been Hit-larious.feedback

Apr 11 2017 - Mexico

That is such sanitized, say-nothing, take-no-responsibility, corporate BS speak.feedback

Apr 11 2017 - Women

You made him so happy. You didn't just find a woman, you found thousands of women!feedback

Apr 11 2017

He was kind of obsessed with you guys settling down. He would always bust your balls about that.feedback

Apr 11 2017 - Mexico

I've been to a hundred games and stadiums with 50,000 seats. They never sell the same seat two times to one person, but for some reason, airlines cannot figure this out.feedback

Apr 07 2017

I know it sounds crazy to say he was too young, but he was, . Because he was youthful and funny and sharp and generous. Frank was drinking, and he was not in a good mood.feedback

Apr 07 2017

He hammered me and heckled me through the whole meal, until finally I just got up moved over to his table.feedback

Apr 07 2017

It was like I was in some kind of talk show host fantasy camp: sitting behind a desk while Don Rickles made fun of me. It was like being a real talk show host for a minute.feedback

Apr 07 2017

I know it sounds crazy to say he was too young. But he was, because he was youthful and so funny and sharp and generous.feedback

Apr 07 2017

Well, I'm not good with this sort of thing, and I'm sorry, especially to those of you who came here to see the show in person, because that's probably not what you came for. But we lost someone that we and I love very much today. Dear Jimmy, Thanks so much for inviting me into your home for dinner. But, to be honest, we would have preferred a three-month trip to Venice, Italy.feedback

Apr 07 2017

He spent over $500 on postage alone for these.feedback

Apr 07 2017

I grew up in Las Vegas – so Don Rickles – even when I was a kid – was a very big deal. His name was on the marquee at the Sahara. Then you'd see him with Johnny Carson. Making fun of Johnny – making fun of [Frank] Sinatra.feedback

Apr 06 2017 - Pepsi

The fact that this somehow made it through -- I can't imagine how many meetings, and edits, and pitches, and then got the thumbs-up from who knows how many people, is absolutely mind-boggling. Once again, we see a Kardashian in a video being put in an awkward position.feedback

Apr 06 2017

Ninety years with Don Rickles weren't enough. One of the sweetest and most lovely people I had the pleasure of knowing. We miss you already.feedback

Mar 24 2017 - Twitter

Maybe he's right, maybe it is over our heads, maybe these jokes are great.feedback

Mar 24 2017 - Twitter

Maybe Mike Huckabee is right. Maybe [his humor] is over our heads. Maybe what Mike Huckabee needs is a stronger presentation; jokes don't always have the same punch when you read them to yourself.feedback

Mar 17 2017 - Mar-a-Lago

There are a lot of cuts in the plan, including: PBS would be cut, Meals on Wheels would be cut, the National Endowment for the Arts would be cut. The guy who has three oil paintings of himself in his bathroom wants to cut the National Endowment for the Arts. And Meals on Wheels – how could that be? How can you cut Meals on Wheels? Meals on Wheels is out, but don't worry, the golf trips to Mar-a-Lago every weekend, those will not stop.feedback

Mar 16 2017 - Liberty Party of Canada

That would never happen to Barron Trump, you would be in the stockade right now, you would be in Russia somewhere.feedback

Mar 16 2017 - US Secret service

Don't they have secret service there protecting the children of prime ministers?feedback

Mar 03 2017 - Homosexuality

If every one of you took a minute to reach out to one person you disagree with, someone you like, and have one positive, considerate conversation – not as liberals or conservatives, but as Americans – if we could all do that, we could make America great again. It starts with us.feedback

Mar 02 2017 - Oscars 2017

It would have been a nice little button to the whole night.feedback

Mar 02 2017 - Oscars 2017

The plan for the last joke was – the Best Picture winner is announced, they make a speech [and] I was assuming the Best Picture was not going to be Manchester by the Sea. I said if it's not Manchester by the Sea, I'm going to be sitting next to [Damon], and it's going to be my revenge for the Emmys. I'd start wrapping the show up, but then the camera would widen, and we'd see that Matt would be sitting next to me and I would say, Well, you know, it's unbelievable, Casey [Affleck] won and Kenneth [Lonergan] won. There's only one person who didn't win tonight and it's you.feedback

Mar 02 2017

It should be whoever the president hates seeing do it the most, and that's undoubtedly you.feedback

Mar 01 2017 - Nordstrom vs. Trump

The president spoke tonight before a joint session of Congress and we're going to ignore it for a very good reason, and the reason is I need a break from it, to be honest with you. Tonight if anyone says the name of the orange-colored man with the Russian boyfriend, they will have to put $100 in that jar that Guillermo is holding right now.feedback

Feb 28 2017 - Oscars 2017

Meryl Streep has phoned it in in over 50 films over the course of her lackluster career.feedback

Feb 28 2017 - Oscars 2017

Remember last year when it seemed like the Oscars was racist? This broadcast is being watched live by millions of Americans and around the world in more than 225 countries that now hate us. This is Meryl's 20th Oscar nomination. Made even more amazing considering the fact that she wasn't even in a movie this year, we just wrote her name down out of habit.feedback

Feb 28 2017 - Oscars 2017

Except for the end, it was fun. You know its a strange night when the word envelope is trending on Twitter.feedback

Feb 28 2017

I spent the whole rest of the night answering questions about it. It was quite an evening, it really was.feedback

Feb 28 2017 - Oscars 2017

Now there's mass confusion. The audience is confused. The people standing around me are confused. I assume everyone at home is confused. And I'm probably supposed to do something, because no one's doing anything.feedback

Feb 28 2017 - Oscars 2017

It was kind of scary, in a way. That was the producer of 'La La Land' who thought he won, standing there holding an Oscar they're going to take away from him. My first instinct was to tell him to run. Take the Oscar and get out!' But he didn't.feedback

Feb 28 2017

Now so we have the producers of two movies on stage. Who the hell even knows who is who from which movie? I'm standing there like an idiot, feeling bad for these guys – but also trying really hard not to laugh, to be honest.feedback

Feb 28 2017

It was the weirdest TV finale since 'Lost'. I was like, Hey, no, I didn't! I did not pull a prank! If I'd pulled a prank, I wouldn't have just had the wrong winner's name on the envelope. There would have been a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon in there. You know, when you do a show, you aren't just the host, you're the lead detective. You're like the sheriff of the show. Warren Beatty could be in prison right now if I wanted him.feedback

Feb 28 2017 - Oscars 2017

Eventually I figured out that Barry Jenkins, the director of 'Moonlight,' is standing behind me and Denzel wanted me to get him to the microphone to make a speech, which makes sense. Thank God Denzel was there to make sense.feedback

Feb 27 2017 - Oscars 2017

Remember last year when it seemed like the Oscars were racist?feedback

Feb 27 2017 - PwC

Guys, this is very unfortunate what happened. Personally I blame Steve Harvey for this.feedback

Feb 27 2017 - Oscars 2017

I want to say thank you to President Trump. Remember last year when it seemed like the Oscars were racist?feedback

Feb 27 2017 - Oscars 2017

Oh good, I got a sitting ovation. This is my first time here, and the way you people go through hosts, it's probably my last time here. So I'm going to enjoy this while I'm here.feedback

Feb 27 2017 - Oscars 2017

Meryl Streep has phoned it in for more than 50 films in the course of her lackluster career.feedback

Feb 27 2017

I knew I would screw this up. I promise to never come back.feedback

Feb 27 2017 - Oscars 2017

Meryl Streep has phoned it in for more than 50 films over the course of her lackluster career. Please join me in giving Meryl Streep a totally undeserved round of applause.feedback

Feb 27 2017 - Oscars 2017

Some of you will get to come up here on this stage tonight and give a speech that the president of the United States will tweet about in all caps during his 5 a.m. bowel movement tomorrow.feedback

Feb 26 2017 - Oscars 2017

Nice dress, by the way. Is that an Ivanka?feedback

Dec 05 2016

This is not a prank. And if it is, my revenge on the academy will be terrible and sweet.feedback

Oct 23 2016

Bill Murray could shove you off the side of the Hoover Dam and you'd be like, Hey, Bill Murray,' all the way down.feedback

Sep 19 2016

If Donald Trump gets elected and he builds that wall, the first person we are throwing over it is Mark Burnett.feedback

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