Seth Meyers

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Last quote by Seth Meyers

This week, we've seen examples of powerful men at the highest levels of entertainment and politics from Harvey Weinstein to Donald Trump abusing their power to silence, bully, or coerce. And it's a reminder that our toxic culture of male entitlement is still very much intact… Of course, we have a president who built his political career almost entirely on bullying. His campaign and now his presidency have been in many ways a performance of dominance, a performance that has in many cases been explicitly misogynist.feedback
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Oct 13 2017 Trump Presidency
Seth Meyers has most recently been quoted in an article called Affordable Care Act, Puerto Rico, Chicago Cubs: Your Friday Briefing. Seth Meyers said, “It's been three weeks!”. Seth Meyers has been quoted a grand total of 141 times in 66 articles.
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Seth Meyers quotes

Sep 27 2017

Martha Stewart, she's like an icon. Anthony Weiner is just another politician who is being sent to jail, of whom there are many.feedback

Sep 26 2017 - North Korea

Tensions with North Korea over its nuclear program are escalating, and there's currently an urgent humanitarian crisis in Puerto Rico where more than 3 million American citizens are currently without power after Hurricane Maria. So President Trump decided what our nation needed most this past weekend was one more thing for us to deal with.feedback

Sep 26 2017 - Trump Presidency

Let's just take a step back and consider how embarrassing it is that news anchors now have to introduce comments from the president by warning little children to leave the room. Donald Trump is our first NC-17 president. By now, it should be clear to everyone who Donald Trump is and what he represents. When black athletes peacefully protest against racism and police brutality, Trump has no trouble summoning his outrage. But when white supremacists march with Nazi flags and Confederate flags through he streets of an American city, he equivocates and then defends them.feedback

Sep 26 2017

This prompted a response from LeBron James himself.feedback

Sep 26 2017 - NBA

But Trump wasn't content to feud with just one massively popular sports league this weekend. He decided to tangle with the NBA as well after seeing a Fox & Friends segment on Steph Curry's decision not to go to the White House with the Golden State Warriors.feedback

Sep 24 2017

The White House has the best writers' room in comedy.feedback

Sep 15 2017 - Japan

The last time somebody changed positions that much on Twitter, Ted Cruz liked it.feedback

Sep 12 2017 - Republican Party

Trump's hostility to to certain Republicans in Congress, like senators John McCain and Jeff Flake, have GOP leaders worried ahead of next year's midterms. Trump got one deal with Democrats to keep the government open to avoid financial chaos, and now all of a sudden there is a rush of praise from the media crowning him as America's first independent president.feedback

Sep 12 2017 - Trump Presidency

You know you're bad at your job when even airports are correcting you. Trump stunned Republicans last week by cutting a deal with Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to lift the debt limit and keep the government funded for three months. Just to give you an idea of how unhappy Republicans were with the president's sudden friendship with the Democrats, look at Mitch McConnell's face during their meeting with Trump in the oval office last week. He looks like he just saw a fellow ghost.feedback

Sep 12 2017 - Trump Presidency

For one thing, there were the heroic acts of first responders rescuing people in the storm. Now, you'd think applauding the bravery of emergency responders like the coastguard would be one of the easiest things a president could do, but even that, it seems, was too much to ask of Donald Trump, who praised the coastguard yesterday by saying this. If you talk about branding, no brand has improved more than the US Coast Guard. Branding? What are you talking about? The coastguard doesn't need to improve their brand. They're not Arby's.feedback

Sep 12 2017 - American politics

As his administration deals with the aftermath of Hurricane Irma, President Trump is also dealing with a brewing storm within his own party over his decision to strike a funding deal with Democrats, prompting an absurd new round of punditry over whether Donald Trump is actually a Republican.feedback

Sep 12 2017 - Trump Presidency

Can we just stop with this absurd taking point? Donald Trump is not an independent. The only thing he is independent of is reality.feedback

Sep 06 2017 - DACA

A president who backed himself into a corner by catering to the racial resentments of his base is now needlessly throwing the lives of hundreds of thousands of hard-working Americans into chaos.feedback

Sep 06 2017 - DACA

He spent six straight days rescuing people from flood waters. So how did the president thank him? Well, today, Trump announced that he is rescinding DACA.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Saturday Night Live

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're gonna throw me under the carriage like that? You're gonna make me the slave guy, really? You're on the one [dollar bill] and the quarter! I'm on the nickel and the two-dollar bill! Joke money! Our country is the legacy that we've risked our lives to create.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Trump Presidency

Of course he is. Trump is incapable of feeling regret. Trump feels regret as often as he feels Melania's touch. So basically, all the things that happen to a president every day. Trump's aides talk about him like he's a caged gorilla at the zoo. But not all of Trump's aides and allies tried to distance themselves from Trump's unhinged press conference. There's also Trump's chief strategist Steve Bannon, whose ties to white nationalists are well known, which is odd because no one disproves the idea that white people are a master race more than Steve Bannon.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Trump Presidency

He said this to the American Prospect about the Democrats. The longer they talk about identity politics, I got 'em. I want them to talk about racism every day. If the left is focused on race and identity, and we go with economic nationalism, we can crush the Democrats.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Trump Presidency

The president has come under tremendous criticism for his response to Charlottesville, but apparently for some of Trump's aides the problem was not that he defended white supremacists, but that he said it out loud in front of the cameras. So Trump's staff isn't upset he's a racist. They're upset we found out about it. For his part, Trump almost seemed relieved to have finally gotten off his chest how he really feels. In fact, those close to him say he's happy about how his Tuesday press conference turned out.feedback

Aug 18 2017 - Trump Presidency

Hey man, are you trying to sound evil? I guess it's no coincidence that you look like Kuato from Total Recall.feedback

Aug 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

There are no 'fine people' marching with Nazis and white supremacists. No one gets accidentally caught up in a white supremacist rally. It just doesn't happen – except for that one time on 'Seinfeld.' And I would argue even George Costanza isn't a very fine person.feedback

Aug 17 2017

No. Look at how fragile this man's ego is: He literally wants the TV to tell him, Breaking news: What Donny said was very nice. He is good boy.feedback

Aug 17 2017 - Fake news

It's weird, because that statement isn't correct. Oh my God, fake news again?! Get a new comeback. Stop trying to make fetch happen. As soon as it was noticed? It's the president's Twitter feed. He has 36 million followers – or if you ask him, 300 million followers.feedback

Aug 16 2017 - Trump Presidency

He said, among other things, that there were very fine people on both sides of the events in Charlottesville. He asked if people on the left have any guilt that the white supremacists became violent, and then he said this.feedback

Aug 15 2017

You can stand for a nation; you can stand for a hateful movement; you can't do both. And if you don't make the right choice, I'm confident that the American voter will.feedback

Aug 15 2017

If that choice of words made you feel sick to your stomach, the good news is you're a normal and decent person. The jury's still out on the president.feedback

Aug 15 2017

Now, white supremacists and American Nazis are visible and energetic and demonstrative in a way we've not seen in our lifetimes.feedback

Aug 15 2017 - Extremism

Even though The Tonight Show isn't a political show, it's my responsibility to stand up against violence and extremism as a human being.feedback

Aug 15 2017

The leader of our country is called the president because he's supposed to preside over society. His job is to lead, to cajole, to scold, to correct our path, to lift up what is good about us, and to absolutely and unequivocally and immediately condemn what is evil in us. And if he does not do that, if he does not preside over a society, then he is not a president.feedback

Aug 15 2017

It's really hard to come off as an intimidating mob when you got torches from your mom's patio. In fact, this display was so vile that even the makers of tiki torches came out and condemned the white supremacists, issuing a statement yesterday that read, TIKI brand is not associated with the events that took place in Charlottesville. We do not support their message.feedback

Aug 15 2017 - Ku Klux Klan

Just a reminder, this guy thinks he's a member of a master race when in fact he's Beavis's rotting corpse. So, you've got the former leader of the KKK saying explicitly that the Nazis and white supremacist who rallied in Charlottesville were doing so in Donald Trump's name. Normally, you might think any president or any decent human being would want to swiftly and unequivocally disavow him. In this case, we also happen to have a president who has no problem quickly condemning things when he feels like it.feedback

Aug 15 2017

It took two days for Turmp to say that. In fact, it would've taken less time to literally order a DVD copy of Do the Right Thing.feedback

Aug 15 2017 - Trump Presidency

Trump has a permanent hard-on for condemnation, and yet when it came time to condemn white supremacists and Nazis it was limp dick city. After two days of relentless public pressure, the president finally got around to saying specifically, Nazis are bad.feedback

Aug 15 2017

After two days of intense public pressure, today the president was finally willing to say that Nazis are bad. Saturday's violence in Charlottesville was preceded on Friday by white supremacists marching on the UVA grounds using Nazi slogans and salutes and, in a photo you've probably seen by now, holding tiki torches.feedback

Aug 15 2017 - Ku Klux Klan

There should be no doubt about who these people were or what they believed in. They told us in their own words and actions with Confederate flags, Nazi flags, Nazi slogans and Nazi salutes. And just to make it perfectly clear who these vile bigots think their allies are, here's former KKK leader David Duke, who also showed up in Charlottesville. Remember, Trump at first refused to reject Duke's endorsement during the campaign and Duke picked up what Trump was putting down loud and clear.feedback

Aug 12 2017 - Trump Presidency

Even Trump is scared by what he's saying–look at him, he's literally hugging himself.feedback

Aug 11 2017 - Trump Presidency

You know, if you don't want people to start taking drugs, stop making them think the end of the world is imminent.feedback

Aug 11 2017 - Trump Presidency

Sleep well tonight? We haven't been sleeping well since November. Other Trump aides even went a step further than Tillerson, essentially telling the rest of the world not to take Trump seriously. One aide told a reporter for Politico, Fire and fury was not carefully vetted language form Trump. Don't read too much into it.feedback

Aug 11 2017 - Trump Presidency

So naturally, hearing that some of his aides and advisers might have been trying to tone things down, Trump went back in front of the camera today and doubled down, insisting that his original comment might not have been tough enough.feedback

Aug 11 2017 - Trump Presidency

And you can tell Trump was familiar with the facts from the ingenious plan he came up with for stopping the opioid epidemic.feedback

Aug 10 2017 - North Korea

The international community is struggling to contain the rapidly escalating threats of North Korea's nuclear program. And one big obstacle they're facing is the fact that no one takes the president of the United States seriously. It's an extremely tense, delicate situation that requires calm diplomacy and sober deliberation. Unfortunately, we elected a human bullhorn with a corn syrup addiction. When you respond to North Korea, you're not supposed to sound like North Korea. Obama didn't respond to Putin's hacking by riding shirtless on horseback, even though everyone would've loved that.feedback

Aug 10 2017 - Trump Presidency

This morning Trump seemed to double down on his remarks in a series of ominous tweets about the US nuclear arsenal. And it wasn't just that the content was ominous, but the way he posted them.feedback

Aug 10 2017 - Nuclear weapons

Hey man, you can't put an ellipsis after a tweet about nuclear weapons. And look, he's probably doing it because he knows it's more dramatic this way, but for me, I'm just going to imagine that he's too exhausted to do two tweets in a row. Trump is talking tough on North Korea, but if this week has shown anything, it's that we have a president who is temperamentally unfit to deal with a situation like this.feedback

Aug 09 2017 - Trump Presidency

President Trump this afternoon addressed the North Korean missile program and said if they continue to threaten the US, they will be met with 'fire and fury like the world has never seen'. Yeah, that ought to cool things down.feedback

Aug 08 2017 - Trump Presidency

Trump is taking 17 days to get away from DC and relax, although he keeps insisting he's working. Meetings and calls sound like how an eight-year-old would describe an adult job. Now, we've already played many clips on this show of Trump criticizing then-president Obama for taking vacations and promising to never leave the White House himself if he won. In fact, we've played so many of those clips that we've run out. It's not like there are an infinite number of clips of Trump contradicting himself.feedback

Aug 08 2017 - Trump Presidency

To get the message out, his team has started posting so-called 'real news' videos talking about the administration's supposed accomplishments, like this one featuring former CNN contributor Kayleigh McEnany. God, that was like state news crossed with a school announcement. It's pizza day in the cafeteria, but you won't hear that from the failing New York Times.feedback

Aug 06 2017

I'm sorry, but John Kelly doesn't look like a guy you bring in 'to have a good time,' . John Kelly looks like a guy who introduces himself by saying, I'm not here to have a good time.feedback

Aug 03 2017

A pair of New England Patriots players were kicked out of practice yesterday after getting into a fight during drills. Wow, even the New England Patriots hate the New England Patriots.feedback

Aug 02 2017 - Sanctions

Now admittedly, Trump did talk about God a lot during the campaign, but what he had to say about God was a real mixed bag.feedback

Aug 02 2017 - Easter

One moment that best illustrated Trump's unfamiliarity with the Bible was when he referred to Second Corinthians during a speech at Liberty University, but called it something else. Two Corinthians, like it's a sequel to an action movie. And according to a Politico article from April, aside from Trump attending church services on inauguration day, making an appearance at the National Prayer Breakfast, and going to service on Easter, there's no public knowledge of any other church services that Trump has attended.feedback

Aug 02 2017 - Sanctions

And that makes sense because Trump would hate church. It's an hour of people talking about someone other than him.feedback

Aug 02 2017 - Sanctions

Now that he's president, Trump is realizing just how difficult the job is. He doesn't have much to show for: his health care bill failed, there's constant infighting and staff changes in the White House, and of course the Russia investigation continues to loom over him. And it's often in dark times like this that a man will turn to God. Not only is the Bible better than The Art of the Deal, it's also the opposite. The only thing they have in common is that Trump has never read either of them.feedback

Aug 01 2017

Scaramucci had not limited his attacks on Priebus to public interviews. He also trashed him in private. According to the Daily Beast, two sources who had known Scaramucci for years say that he has privately called Priebus 'Reince Penis'. So it's official: the White House is a middle-school cafeteria.feedback

Aug 01 2017 - Republican Party

He may have been quieter than most other Trump acolytes, but Reince Priebus was one of the president's most loyal supporters. He played a pivotal role keeping mainstream Republicans in line where most of the GOP was trying to rebel against Trump after he won the nomination. As you may recall, he lavished Trump with praised during his super-creepy cabinet meeting last month.feedback

Aug 01 2017 - Trump Presidency

What really happened is on Friday, Priebus deplaned from Air Force One and got in an SUV with other staffers. While he was in the SUV, Trump tweeted that he had named a new chief of staff. According to Politico, other aides riding with him hopped into a different car once the tweet posted. His SUV separated from the motorcade and went on a rainy ride through Washington alone.feedback

Jul 28 2017 - LGBT

As we all know, Donald Trump has cast himself as a champion of the working class. But throughout his presidency, he's actually done very little to improve the lives of those working people. He's either done needlessly cruel things that nobody asked for, like banning transgender soldiers, or he's actively trying to make their lives worse by taking away their healthcare. But Trump thinks he can get away with it because he's billed himself as a crusader against the elite.feedback

Jul 26 2017

Scaramucci reportedly told his staff today, You're either going to stop leaking or you're going to get fired.' Replied the leaker, You can't fire me, I'm the president.feedback

Jul 26 2017 - Trump Presidency

Trump spoke yesterday at the Boy Scouts jamboree and bragged about his election victory over Hillary Clinton. Every scout in attendance earned the merit badge for eye rolling.feedback

Jul 26 2017

Newly appointed White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci announced that press briefings will be televised again, tweeting yesterday that 'tv cameras are back on'. Yeah, I bet they are. He did not work on his hair that long to go on the radio. He probably can't reach orgasm without at least two cameras on him.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - EPA

If you've been following the recent saga of the Republican healthcare bill, which, once again, failed to get the necessary votes to pass, you might think the Trump administration isn't accomplishing anything. But there is one department, the EPA, that has actually been quietly implementing big changes, unfortunately for the benefit of a select few.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - Pesticides

Several states are also challenging an even more troublesome decision Pruitt made to reverse a ban on the use of a pesticide that the EPA's own scientists have said could damage children's brains. And if we have to protect anything, it's the brains of our children, because when we don't protect their brains, they take meetings with Russian agents.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - Methane

The company that makes the pesticide in question has close ties to the White House. Dow's CEO, Andrew Liveris, heads up the White House manufacturing working group, and there he was, right by Trump's side, as he signed an executive order on reducing regulations across government agencies back in January. So the Trump administration is vehemently anti-leak, unless that leak is methane.feedback

Jul 18 2017 - Trumpcare

First he said it had nothing to do with the campaign, it was just a short introductory meeting about the adoption of Russian children. The next day he admitted the lawyer promised dirt on Hillary but said her statements were 'vague, ambiguous and made no sense'. The day after that he said the meeting was normal opposition research that 'went nowhere, but had to listen'. And then finally, after releasing all the emails, he insisted the meeting was fine because it 'occurred before the current Russian fever was in vogue.feedback

Jul 18 2017 - Trumpcare

Okay, first of all, in vogue'? It's a criminal conspiracy to meddle in an election, not a 'romp-him.feedback

Jul 18 2017 - Russia

The Russia scandal has engulfed the White House after last week's bombshell revelations that Trump's son Donald Trump Jr met with a woman described as a Russian government attorney promising dirt on Hillary Clinton as part of Russia and its government's support for Mr Trump. One Trump ally called it a category 5 hurricane and another White House official said, This is sum of all fears stuff, it's what we've all been dreading. Maybe you've been dreading it, but the rest of us have been waiting for it like the new season of Game of Thrones.feedback

Jul 18 2017 - Trumpcare

He changed his story four times in four days. That's like if your wife asks, Where were you last night?' and you said, I was at work, I was working at a coworker's house, at a friend's house, at a female friend's house, in a female friend's bed, but nothing came of it.feedback

Jul 18 2017 - Iran

We are living on borrowed time.feedback

Jun 30 2017 - Republican Party

So, Trump is already focused on 2020, and I guess in a way it makes sense, because he loves running for president, but he hates being president. And the reason he hates it is it's hard, as evidenced by the fact that the signature legislation of his presidency so far, the GOP healthcare bill, is one of the most unpopular pieces of legislation in recent history.feedback

Jun 30 2017 - Trump Presidency

The bill is so unpopular that Trump is now at the point where he's promising a twist ending. Trump met with the World Series champion Cubs at the White House yesterday and for some reason he felt the need to interrupt those festivities and make a vague announcement about the healthcare bill. Because that's what you want when it comes to healthcare: surprises.feedback

Jun 30 2017 - Trump Presidency

Republicans are frantically working behind closed doors to win over enough votes for their healthcare bill in the senate, giving themselves a deadline of tomorrow to get a deal done. But there's at least one big thing making that difficult: the fact that the president doesn't seem to know anything about healthcare.feedback

Jun 30 2017 - Trump Presidency

Donald Trump's first five months in office have been mostly a series of setbacks: from record-low approval ratings, to a rapidly escalating special counsel investigation, to the unraveling of his signature healthcare bill. But that hasn't stopped him from already looking forward to 2020 and benefiting himself financially in the process.feedback

Jun 28 2017 - Trump administration

When asked about criminal justice reform in general, Trump seemed to have no idea what he was talking about. GEO Group also donated $100,000 to Rebuild America Now, a pro-Trump Super PAC. So now GEO Group has a contract to build the first new immigrant detention center under the Trump administration in Texas, set to open by the end of next year.feedback

Jun 28 2017 - Trump Presidency

During the presidential campaign, Trump promised to bring back industries that were becoming obsolete or being phased out during the Obama administration, like the coal and steel industry. But one you probably heard less about is the for-profit private prison industry.feedback

Jun 28 2017 - Trump Presidency

President Obama's justice department last summer began to phase out the federal use of private prisons, also known as contract prisons. Unlike government-run prisons, these are for-profit private companies that have contracts with state and federal governments, which means that they need people to lock up, because unlike a government facility, private industry cannot survive without customers.feedback

Jun 28 2017 - Trump Presidency

These companies seem to be banking heavily on Trump. The United States already has a greater number of people behind bars than any country in the world. And if you're surprised that a private prison company donated to his inauguration, remember that his campaign slogans were 'build a wall' and 'lock her up.feedback

Jun 22 2017 - Trump Presidency

And really, if this portrayal was offensive to anyone, it's Caesar. Caesar was beloved by the Roman Empire. To put it another way, he won the popular vote.feedback

Jun 22 2017

Senate Republicans have been engaged in one of the most shameless, breathtakingly cynical exercises in political history, writing a healthcare bill behind closed doors and not telling anyone what's in it.feedback

Jun 22 2017

If you're curious why the Senate would go to such extraordinary lengths to keep their bill hidden from public view, it's because the bill they're working on is massively unpopular, and both Democrats and Republicans agree.feedback

Jun 22 2017 - Republican Party

You might remember that last month, after narrowly passing their healthcare bill in the House, Republicans held a giddy celebration in the White House rose garden with President Trump, who was so happy to finally get a bill passed, no matter how unpopular, that he could hardly contain himself. But since that ceremony, you've probably heard suspiciously little about the GOP healthcare plan, and apparently, that's by design.feedback

Jun 22 2017

Remember, the bill is basically just a giant tax cut for the rich, paid for by taking health insurance away from millions of people. The House bill cut Medicaid spending by $880bn to give the wealthiest people a near trillion-dollar tax cut. The plan is so toxic just 8% of Americans think the Senate should pass the healthcare bill as is. Even The Mummy got a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. This bill is half as good as The Mummy. In fact, The Mummy might be the healthcare bill.feedback

Jun 20 2017 - Twitter

If an official White House statement is milk at a grocery store, Donald Trump's Twitter feed is the actual udder. And yet a member of Trump's legal team, Jay Sekulow, made the rounds on the Sunday shows and tried to act [as] if the President had not said what he said, resulting in the bizarre spectacle of news anchors trying to square Sekulow's claim that the president is not under investigation with Trump's own tweet that he is under investigation.feedback

Jun 15 2017 - Republican Party

You know, we have a lot of fun at this show at Congress's expense, and it seems only fair they should be able to have some fun at times, which is what this annual baseball game is. And I don't often say this here on our show, but I will be pulling for the GOP so, good luck to all of you.feedback

Jun 15 2017 - Republican Party

Also, I cannot believe that based on how members of Congress look that they play baseball instead of softball. I am absolutely stunned by that piece of news. I was sure that Congress was a chamber of softball bodies.feedback

Jun 13 2017 - Mexico

Haters and losers (stipulating that such terms are subjective, pursuant to relevant codes and libel laws) .feedback

Jun 13 2017

It's an upsetting play, but if there's a production of 'Julius Caesar' that doesn't upset you, you're sitting through a very bad production.feedback

Jun 07 2017 - NSA

Four top law firms have turned down requests from the White House to represent President Trump during the Russia investigations. Man, how guilty do you have to be when a lawyer won't even take your case? Bill Cosby has a lawyer. OJ had, like, five of them.feedback

Jun 07 2017 - NSA

The Department of Justice charged a federal contractor named Reality Leigh Winner yesterday with leaking classified materials to the press about Russia's meddling in the election. This is a confusing story so let me try to break it down: Reality Winner leaked information about a reality denier, who tried to influence the election to support a reality host who is detached from reality.feedback

May 26 2017 - Fox

Trump's idea of presidential is trying to get to the conference room before the free pizza is gone. Well, here's a sentence I never thought I'd say: thank you, Fox News, for telling us the truth.feedback

May 23 2017 - Trump Presidency

It's funny that you can almost feel that Donald Trump is out of the country. It's like when you're in school and your bully is out with the flu. He got the kind of royal treatment he thinks he deserves. It's like watching your grandpa do the electric slide at a wedding, but with a deadly weapon. First of all, whose favorite meal is steak with a side of ketchup? Is he a hobo from a cartoon? Second of all, you're an adult: eat what they serve you. He's a real nut job? You live in a jewelry box in the sky and write your name on your planes so you don't forget where you parked.feedback

May 23 2017 - Trump Presidency

Not only is Trump corrupt, but he's incredibly naive too. He actually thought firing the FBI director would take the pressure off.feedback

May 21 2017

You want to tell people, stuff has happened in the last hour that you're probably not aware of. It's not as crazy as you're thinking, but also, it's crazier than anything that's ever happened up to this point. It's like, Oh, we'll do a piece about airline deregulation today – nope, no we will not, because that is no longer what anybody is talking about. If we're adding four pages of explanation, we'd probably think, Let's give this the full 24 hours to get to tomorrow's show.feedback

May 17 2017

At least Sean Spicer was hiding in an office, and not the bushes.feedback

May 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

Of course, it turns out the Russians didn't need to hack Hillary's email server. They were able to hack Trump's mouth. The password is: tell us.feedback

May 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

That's like cutting out your victim's tongue and forgetting he can still write stuff down.feedback

May 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

He had this ability to make famous people feel comfortable and go outside their comfort zone.feedback

May 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

I do think there's some nobility in trying to do a show for more people, as opposed to doing a show for less. After the hot takes are dead and gone, and the carcasses are strewn about, having fun is pretty undefeated as a way to spend your time.feedback

May 08 2017

It's amazing, I will stress this, I did not care about other people's children, ever. I never did.feedback

May 08 2017

The dog was the practice child. The dog has figured out that we care less about it, I will say.feedback

May 08 2017

I'm so impressed with everything he does and talk about it constantly.feedback

May 05 2017 - Obamacare

House Republicans today voted on and passed an Obamacare replacement bill without knowing how much it would cost. Though I'm not surprised – they also voted on an Obama replacement without knowing the cost.feedback

May 03 2017 - Trump Presidency

Now that Trump learned when Andrew Jackson died, how often do you think he's going to squeeze it into conversation? 'I was so sorry to hear about your mother, it's just like when Andrew Jackson died 16 years before the civil war started. Not a lot of people know that. My condolences.feedback

Apr 27 2017 - U.S. National Security Adviser

President Trump unveiled his new tax plan today, and it's pretty much the same as his old plan. He's not going to pay them.feedback

Apr 26 2017 - Twitter

I'm sorry, I shouldn't pick on him. I don't want to be a grammar nozzie.feedback

Apr 25 2017 - Trump Presidency

If this were a movie, it would be called 100 Dayz and Confused. Trump is so ignorant that he's ignorant of his own ignorance.feedback

Apr 25 2017

Trump's tweets are starting to sound like the fine print on a contest to win a free cruise.feedback

Apr 25 2017 - Trump Presidency

Under Trump, our federal government is staffed as well as a Duane Reade on a Sunday morning.feedback

Apr 07 2017

I remember thinking there's nothing better than getting burned by Don Rickles.feedback

Mar 29 2017 - Russian probe

Steve Carell stars as a bumbling congressman turned spy in the new comedy High Nunes. The Dude and Trump have a lot in common. They both have bathrobes, both obsessed with their rugs and they both love White Russians.feedback

Mar 22 2017

I strap their car seats into the five-point harness and then the car seats have a little harness and they have these cute earmuffs.feedback

Mar 17 2017

You think Obama intentionally designed his signature piece of legislation to fall apart in six years? It's a healthcare bill, not a Kia.feedback

Mar 17 2017 - Wiretapping

You're so paranoid about wiretapping that you talk like a mafia don, afraid the feds are listening.feedback

Mar 17 2017

Trump keeps losing and he doesn't seem to understand why he keeps losing.feedback

Mar 17 2017

How dead inside do you have to be to not want old people to get food? Your heart is so small, it makes your tiny hands look like catcher mitts.feedback

Mar 15 2017 - Dutch elections 2017

You know you've really accomplished something when the guy who wrote 'Cujo' is no longer the scariest Stephen King.feedback

Mar 15 2017

You're a 67-year-old man. All the babies are someone else's babies. We don't need to restore our civilization. We need to restore our civility.feedback

Mar 15 2017

Your district is 96 percent white. You're basically the manager of the world's largest Williams Sonoma.feedback

Mar 13 2017

We can make him laugh, but now we feel like he has a fake cocktail-party laugh, that he doesn't actually think anything's funny, but he just sort of throws off this 'Ha ha ha,' . My son is totally napping, and as much as we feel Cycle for Survival is a big event and rare cancers are very important, we will not wake him up from a nap.feedback

Mar 13 2017

As exciting as 2008 was, this was one of the times where I was truly jealous not to be working at the show because it felt so vital and exciting. It's fun on our show when we do something like 'Oscar Bait' or a pre-taped piece or, like, go day drinking. It is nice to not be all Trump all the time.feedback

Mar 06 2017

The truth is I can't stay up that late.feedback

Nov 10 2016

I felt a lot of emotions last night and into today – some sadness, some anger, some fear, but I'm also aware that those are the same emotions a lot of Trump supporters felt, emotions that led them to make their choice, and it would be wrong for me to think my emotions are somehow more authentic than their emotions.feedback

Nov 10 2016

We're always better as a society when we have empathy for one another ... so I would like to say to those Trump supporters: Congratulations. I sincerely hope that he addresses your concerns. I sincerely hope that, if you felt forgotten, he won't forget you now.feedback

Nov 10 2016 - Trump-Putin

So I want to say to President-elect Trump: Congratulations. To Melania and the new first family, congratulations.feedback

Nov 09 2016

I have been wrong about him every step of the way.feedback

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