Trevor Noah

facebook_page
twitter_page

Last quote by Trevor Noah

It's about to go down. Oh man, today must suck for Donald Trump. I just hope that if the police ever do arrest him they protect his head when they put him into the car.feedback
share this quote
Aug 04 2017 Trump Presidency
Trevor Noah has been quoted in 53 different articles. Most recently, Trevor Noah has been quoted saying, “If American colleges were any whiter, John Snow would build a wall to protect us from them. In the sun? It's almost like when rich people complain about their financial problems. Why use Google when you can make an international call?” in an article called Late-night hosts to Trump: 'Wherever you are today, it's not based on merit'. This is only one of 119 quotes from Trevor Noah. To see more examples Trevor Noah’s views and opinions, check out the section below. You can filter Trevor Noah's quotes by date and by topic to see, for example, what Trevor Noah said about moment recently and in the past.
Automatically powered by Storyzy
Take our quote verification challenge and find out !

Trevor Noah quotes

Jul 28 2017 - Trump Presidency

So, because Sessions can't protect Trump from Mueller, Trump now wants to get rid of Sessions. The only problem is the tiny man has big friends.feedback

Jul 28 2017

The new communications director hasn't even been here a week and already he has his own scandal. Now, we can't go through all of the interview because it will break our bleep machine. I love Scaramucci already. He's cussing out all his co-workers. That's what you do when you quit, not when you start. You can't get this big a shitshow at 3am in Berlin.feedback

Jul 28 2017 - Trump Presidency

Ah, if you knew in advance what Sessions would do, you would've picked someone else. Now you know how America feels about your presidency. Donald Trump's anger makes no sense. Sessions had to recuse himself from the investigation into the Trump campaign because he was part of the Trump campaign. You can't investigate yourself; it's one of those things that's best done by another person, like surgery or haircuts.feedback

Jul 28 2017 - Trump Presidency

Anyone working for Donald Trump would get that way.feedback

Jul 26 2017 - Obamacare

But then I guess Mitch McConnell smoked some weed, and was like, You can't vote for a bill if you don't have a bill.'.feedback

Jul 26 2017 - American politics

If you're really confused by what's happening, you're probably a Republican senator who has to vote on Thursday. Now, you could have gone the normal way, with public committee hearings and proposals, both parties could have debated. But you skipped that because you knew your ideas would die of exposure. Then you tried to write the bill in a 13-dude chamber of secrets. So now your genius leader's new plan is to throw the entire national healthcare system out on the senate floor, let everyone randomly spitball on what it should be, and hope that 51 of them agree by the end of the week.feedback

Jul 26 2017 - Obamacare

How did this bill come back from the dead this time? Up until now, the reason Republicans have had so much trouble repealing Obamacare is that their senators couldn't agree on how to replace it. Some wouldn't vote for a bill that cut Medicaid too much, some wouldn't vote for a bill that left any Obamacare taxes in place, some wouldn't vote for the bill because it was printed in Comic Sans. It just doesn't look professional.feedback

Jul 26 2017 - Obamacare

A week ago, the Republican effort to repeal and replace Obamacare appeared to be deader than Usher's prospects on Tinder. But you've got to hand it to McConnell and Trump. The tortoise and the hare put their heads together and they figured out a way to bring the dead healthcare bill back to life. 20 hours is not a lot of time to build a new healthcare system. Hell, I can't even build an Ikea bookshelf in 20 hours.feedback

Jul 26 2017

Mitch McConnell was so hellbent on getting this passed that he forced a man who was just diagnosed with brain cancer to come to Washington to vote. McCain was probably like, What the hell, Mitch, don't you know I could be dying?' And McConnell was like, If we cared about people dying, we wouldn't be doing this bill.feedback

Jul 21 2017 - Trump Presidency

Donald Trump sees the presidency the same way he sees one of his companies. Its whole purpose is to serve him and only him.feedback

Jul 21 2017 - Twitter

Who needs more light shed on Trump's mindset? His Twitter is basically a 1,000-watt lightbulb on his mindset, and someone is like: 'I just need a little more light to get a picture.feedback

Jul 21 2017 - French election 2017

Macron wasn't holding your hands because he liked it, he was just trying to keep them off his wife.feedback

Jul 21 2017

Donald Trump's presidency hasn't been going great lately, and by lately, I mean ever.feedback

Jul 21 2017 - Trump Presidency

Trump puts the fun in fundamentally unfit to be a president.feedback

Jul 20 2017 - Trump-Putin

Maybe we've been parenting Trump the wrong way. Because clearly, if we tell him to stay away from that bad boy Vlad, we're going to push him right into his arms. By the way, that bad boy knows the trouble he's causing, because just listen to how he trolled the US.feedback

Jul 20 2017 - Trump-Putin

This is genius when you think about. Every other resistance movement should've done the same thing. You just tie yourself to a popular fad and make it look like it's bigger than it is. But it turns out, fidget spinners aren't the only thing Russia is toying with. I just don't understand why he would do this. If the perception of you is that you're colluding with Russia, just don't have a private conversation with the president of Russia. Like, if there are rumors that you have sex with sheep, even if they are false, just stay away from sheep for a while.feedback

Jul 20 2017 - Trump-Putin

That's exactly what we're worried about. Remember the last time he spoke with the Russians? He accidentally spilled Israeli state secrets. We know he'll say anything to make him look cool. Putin will be like, So Donald, how many nuclear submarines do you have now?, Let me tell you Vlad, we have literally millions of submarines.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - Obamacare

Last night the Senate plan officially collapsed and luckily for republicans, they had parliamentary genius and foreskin impersonator Mitch McConnell in their corner. Republicans have been saying forever that Obamacare is going to fail. It's in a death spiral. But after years of them trying to kill it, it is somehow the only thing that's still around.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - Trumpcare

Trumpcare is no more. I don't know why we're surprised. We all knew the words Trump and care were never destined to be together. To add insult to injury, while the GOP's healthcare dreams were crumbling, Trump wasn't even helping. He was hosting a play-play party at the White House celebrating something called 'Made in America' week, where the president basically checked out guitars, wrestled with baseball bats and, of course, his favorite activity, fake-driving a truck.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - American politics

And that's how the Republican healthcare plan came and went. The truth is, for the Republicans, it's not looking good. It's July. Their healthcare plan is officially dead. They have no infrastructure bill. And they're months behind on tax reform.feedback

Jul 19 2017 - American politics

It actually reminds me of something a wise man once said. Nobody knew that healthcare could be so complicated.feedback

Jul 18 2017 - Trumpcare

Now, the CBO clearly doesn't believe in the power of dreams, because their numbers show that around 22 million fewer people will have insurance under this plan, and they've come to that prediction with data and statistical models, which are by far Trump's least favorite type of model.feedback

Jul 18 2017 - Trump administration

The Trump administration is allergic to facts. Instead of focusing on the numbers, Trump's team says we should focus on what we believe. Yes, we believe everyone's going to be covered. Some by insurance, some by the sheets that the coroners place over them because they can't afford healthcare. On some level, you have to be impressed that Mitch McConnell and his friends have written a bill so bad that their own party hates it. The only question is when something is so deeply unpopular, how could you possible make it worse?feedback

Jul 14 2017 - Trump-Putin

So, the new conspiracy theory is that Putin actually wanted Hillary to win. And that's why he colluded with Trump Jr? There is no problem President Trump can't blame on Hillary. He'll be in bed, like, I can't believe Hillary couldn't get it up tonight. Lock her up.'.feedback

Jul 14 2017 - Trump-Putin

After a week-long tirade on Twitter, President Trump last night finally decided to speak with words to an actual human being about the rumors of Russian collusion. I say human being, but it was actually conservative pastor and Jeff Sessions' troll cousin Pat Robertson. Well, I'm sold. For the record, Vladimir Putin wasn't just a master KGB agent for 16 years and one of the Soviet Union's top spies in Berlin. But Trump knew he could break Putin by simply asking him the same question twice. That was his plan?feedback

Jul 12 2017

What do you get when you cross a Russian, an email, and an idiot? Oh, cursed irony. The emails giveth the presidency, and the emails shall taketh it away.feedback

Jul 12 2017

Today, we got more of the story. I'm not even waiting for Curb Your Enthusiasm to come back now. This is the best comedy show ever. This two-legged brain foreclosure thought the best way to get out of this mess would be to jump into it himself. Trump Jr thought if he could be transparent, unlike 'Crooked Hillary', and share his email, people would be, like, Huh, what an honest guy.' The only problem is once you read the emails, they prove the collusion that Junior's been denying all along.feedback

Jul 12 2017 - Marijuana

You could not write a clearer, more narc-y email than that. It's like getting an email that says, Would you like, by your own choice, to smoke some illegal weed marijuana drugs in violation of local statute 22, section 3. To be fair to Don Jr, just getting that email is no proof of collusion. You're not responsible for the emails you get. You're only responsible for the emails you send.feedback

Jul 12 2017

Don Jr is now the first thing Trump regrets putting his name on.feedback

Jul 12 2017

Do you guys realize how bigly this is? For a whole year we've been wondering: did the Trump campaign collude with the Russians to affect the US presidential election? Finally, we have an answer.feedback

Jul 03 2017 - Trump Presidency

You know what was really impressive to see last night? How Trump supporters are so onboard with their dude he can say anything and they'll come along for the ride.feedback

Jul 03 2017 - Trump Presidency

We've announced that the VA will finally solve a problem that has plagued our government for decades.feedback

Jun 22 2017

But why? Was it because Philando Castile was being polite? Was it because he was following the officer's instructions? Was it because he was in the car with his family? Or was it because Philando Castile was black? It's one thing to have the system against you – the district attorneys, the police unions, the courts. That's one thing. But when a jury of your peers, your community, sees this evidence, and decides that even this is self-defense, that is truly depressing.feedback

Jun 22 2017

Yesterday on the show, we spoke about the killing of Philando Castile and the verdict that exonerated the police office who shot him. And honestly, I thought that I felt all I could feel about this story until I got home and watched a newly released video. When I watched this video, it broke me. You see so many of these videos and you start to get numb. But this one, seeing the child, that little girl, getting out of the car after watching a man get killed, it broke my heart into little pieces.feedback

Jun 22 2017

For years people said there's a simple solution to police shootings: give the police body cameras. Film everything, and there will be no question about what happened. And black people have already taken that initiative. Thanks to cellphones, every black person has a body-cam now. Black people have been saying for years, just give us an indictment. Just get us in front of a jury of our peers, our fellow citizens. Show them the video, the evidence, and then they will see it and justice will be served. And black people finally get there, and it's like, Wait, what? Nothing?feedback

Jun 22 2017

It's fucking mind-blowing that Diamond Reynolds has just seen her boyfriend shot in front of her, and she still has the presence of mind to be deferential to the policeman. In that moment, the cop has panicked, but clearly black people never forget their training. But still, according to the law, the jury has to make a decision, and that decision is: 'Do you think this policeman was justified in thinking that his life was in danger?' And their opinion, having watched that video, having listened to that exchange, still says: 'Yes, I can see why that cop was afraid.feedback

Jun 22 2017

Are we all watching the same video? The video where a law-abiding man followed the officer's instructions to the letter of the law, and was killed regardless? People watched that video and then voted to acquit?feedback

Jun 16 2017 - Twitter

What we've done here today is really put together the finest tweets, the best of the best, the moments that encapsulate what the president means on this beautiful platform.feedback

Jun 13 2017 - Somalia

Donald Trump's tweets are official presidential statements. That's why last week the U.S. military bombed 'Covfefe,' which is actually a small town in Somalia. We thought it was a joke.feedback

Jun 09 2017

Can we just pause for a second and acknowledge how [expletive] crazy all of this is? It's normal for us, but if you just woke up from a coma and heard all of this at one time, you would be screaming down the street with your [expletive] out in one of the gowns, like, How is he still president?! How is he still president?!feedback

Jun 09 2017 - Russia

This moment today is what I love about America. During a great moment of consequence for your democracy, everyone is like, Let's make zany cocktails, yeah! Can I get a Comey-politan and a Piña Collusion, and two Mai Tais to Russia, please. Thank you!feedback

Jun 07 2017 - NSA

He loves the performance of doing things, but a lot of the time nothing's actually being done. Essentially, Donald trump wants to be president, but he doesn't want to do president.feedback

Jun 07 2017 - NSA

Just like most of Trump's deals, once you start to read the fine print, you realize it's not what it seems. Remember the giant Saudi arms deal last month? The president was bragging on Twitter: 'Bringing hundreds of billions of dollars back to the USA from the Middle East – which will means JOBS, JOBS, JOBS.feedback

Jun 07 2017 - NSA

I have to admit, when I saw that, I was like, wow, Donald Trump does get things done. Stroke of a pen. Boom. Decisive. Except then I learned that that executive order was more of an executive suggestion. Now, that tweet makes it sound like Trump completed a $110bn deal, got the cash, and then rolled back to America like a presidential Lil Jon. I was even excited. Except it turns out that there was no actual deal. There was no deal that was signed. It was people saying maybe we'd like to do deals in the future.feedback

Jun 06 2017 - London

What's got through is just the tip of the iceberg, and it's an enormous iceberg.feedback

Jun 01 2017

So I laid out the newspaper and I went to the bathroom on the newspaper, but in my haste, I didn't realize my great-grandmother was in the house – she was a very quiet person who would just sit in one spot until someone was talking to her. So I forgot that she was there and I did my thing, and while I was doing that, she called out – because she could hear the gentle plopping of something onto paper. So she called out, and I didn't respond. I managed to disguise my sin, and I put the paper in the bin and carried on [with] my life. In many ways, there was.feedback

Jun 01 2017

There was a demonic spirit in the house, and so the night that followed was one of vigil and prayer because there was a demon – and in many ways, there was.feedback

Jun 01 2017

It's a very difficult story to tell without making me look bad. Essentially what happened was I think I've always seen myself as pioneer – someone who's solution-driven. And the one thing we didn't have in the house was running water – no ablution facilities, so no toilets. The toilet was outdoors and it was shared amongst four or five houses that were connected on that piece of land. So to go to the restroom, you had to leave the house.feedback

Jun 01 2017 - Trump Presidency

I've given up predicting, nor do I ever wish to predict, the world of Donald Trump. He's like a tornado. We don't know where he's going to be, but we know what he's going to do. The effects of Donald Trump will be felt.feedback

Jun 01 2017 - Trump Presidency

I still have to wake up every single morning and try to get a firm grasp of what's happening, then pray to God that between 5 and 6 p.m., when I'm wrapping things up, the President of the United States doesn't throw the ultimate curveball that sends me writing an entire new show.feedback

May 31 2017 - South Africa

I was born in South Africa during a time when there was apartheid. Apartheid was a system of laws that were racist laws designed to separate and segregate people in the country. One of the core tenants of these laws was that black and white people weren't allowed to fraternize; weren't allowed to share the same spaces; weren't allowed to live in the same areas; and most importantly weren't allowed to have, as they call it, carnal intercourse.feedback

May 31 2017

My parents broke that law and I was a product of them breaking that law. And so, in essence, I was born a crime.feedback

May 31 2017

I think watching my mom, her growth post-shooting, our family and the way we became stronger, really became the example that I chose to live by. That's really what I've stuck to, and that's how I try to live my life every day.feedback

May 31 2017

I remember after the shooting, my mother was in the hospital, and all I felt was rage. My mother said to me, Don't hate him for doing this, but rather pity him because he too is a victim, in his own way, of a world that has thrust upon him an idea of masculinity that he has subscribed to and is now a part of. As for myself, I do not wish to imbue myself with a hatred that only I will carry.' . The mission I have adopted for the show is pursue the truth at all costs, because that is where the comedy lies.feedback

May 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

Trump is basically like that one guy who didn't know that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and instead, the second he got home, posts all the pictures on Instagram and tags you and your wife in it.feedback

May 17 2017 - Trump Presidency

No one wants Russians getting information. It doesn't matter what the information is. It could be a surprise party that your friend told you about. If you tell the Russians, it's not going to end well. Your friend is going to wash up on the beach without his head. You know things are bad when you're describing your president's actions in the same way that you're describing the lovechild of an incestuous couple. Baby, it's not about me cheating on you, it's that these hoes ain't loyal.feedback

May 16 2017 - Nordstrom vs. Trump

CNN, why do you keep putting Kellyanne Conway on the air? Her statements are like milk that you leave out over night. They go bad real quick.feedback

May 16 2017 - Russia

I knew something was up when we saw President Trump with the Russians and they were smiling. There's only two times a Russian man smiles: the day he dies, and this. What's really sad about this is that Donald Trump is trying to impress the Russians with the fact that he's president. They know! At least now we know there are no aliens, because if there were, Donald Trump would have told us by now. He would have leaked it immediately. The good news is Trump listens during intel briefings, and the bad news is Trump listens during intel briefings.feedback

May 16 2017 - Russia

So the good news is, Trump listens during intel briefings.feedback

May 12 2017

Look at his smile, really? Your happiest moment in the White House is when the Russians come? I mean I guess I shouldn't be shocked. I'd also be happy if my boss came to visit me at work.feedback

May 12 2017 - Trump-Putin

It's starting to feel less like Putin is blackmailing Trump and more like he has him hypnotized.feedback

May 12 2017 - Russia

Russia is owning Donald Trump so hard right now, it's embarrassing.feedback

May 07 2017 - Women

There is one person I aspire to be every single day, and that is my mom: a powerful, strong black woman who never listened when people told her she couldn't be more. Thank you to Donald J. Trump for the comedy.feedback

May 05 2017 - Obamacare

Right now, Obamacare doesn't let insurers raise rates for people with preexisting conditions. But with this bill, their rates could go way up. And if people can't afford their higher rates, they get thrown into something called a 'high risk pool,' which sounds less like an insurance plan and more like something you find in Charlie Sheen's backyard.feedback

May 04 2017

A lot of people make that mistake with celebrities and people who are in places that are prominent. They go: 'Oh, you're just having a good time. You don't have issues.' No, everyone's got issues with self-esteem. Some people do not, but most people do. You know what's nice? A lot of women are really nice people. They'll go, Alright, you idiot, I'll talk to you.' And it all works out!feedback

May 04 2017

Never open with a joke. It is the most horrible thing. Jokes require context. Without context, you're just some random person who came and told someone they fell from [heaven] or some randomness, and if you mess it up you look worse and it seems like an insult. No humor! Just say hello. That's it!feedback

May 04 2017 - Trump Presidency

Was this a prank and if so how much can we pay you to end it? And he has a number, by the way. You don't need to explain it to the folks back home, you need to explain it to Americans. Because I feel like for the first time, Americans and everyone else in the world are both wondering at the same time, What the hell is going on in America?' It's an interesting time, where America's in a place where it feels like we're learning about the presidency at the same time as the president.feedback

May 03 2017 - Trump Presidency

She did so much dissing, all of the memes joined her on stage. This is classic Hillary though. She goes away for six months, plans all of her comebacks and then goes on Christiane Amanpour and lets them all fly. I will say this though, after 100 days of President Trump it was refreshing to hear a politician talk in full sentences about complicated issues. When Hillary is speaking you can really tell that she knows who Frederick Douglass is.feedback

May 02 2017 - Trump Presidency

He no longer has that new president smell. If I had to guess I'd say he now smells like nepotism and steak sauce.feedback

Apr 27 2017 - NAFTA

What are black people are supposed to do on this holiday?feedback

Apr 27 2017 - Slavery

What are black people supposed to do on this holiday? So I either don't get the day off, or I support slavery? Man, I'll take the day off, but I'm watching B.E.T. the whole time.feedback

Apr 25 2017

I bet Trump is one of those people who makes too many new year's resolutions.feedback

Apr 25 2017 - Travel ban

It's 100 days in Trump time. For us, it's 15 years. It's starting to become clear that President Trump has accomplished very little of what he promised. Travel ban? Blocked. Healthcare plan? Blocked. And surprise, surprise, no one wants to pay for his wall. You don't get to just disregard the number because you don't like the current results. Because if most voters got to choose the number they preferred, well, you wouldn't be in the White House, Donald. It's true, you can't tear your eyes away from Sean Spicer. It's like watching a car crash that knows nothing about the Holocaust.feedback

Apr 20 2017

So Serena cheated. Because that's technically a doubles match.feedback

Apr 06 2017

He looks less like a press secretary and more like an overworked kindergarten teacher.feedback

Apr 04 2017 - Twitter

As someone who gets a lot of Twitter hate, I'd prefer it to come from a cute little egg.feedback

Mar 29 2017

If Trump only wants to spend time on the military then maybe we just have to make everything military.feedback

Mar 28 2017 - Fox

He's legitimately mad that the Democrats wouldn't vote to repeal Obama's healthcare bill. Wow, that Fox News shit was insane. No, in fact it sounded just like North Korea's propaganda news.feedback

Mar 21 2017

That is true, by the way. But at the last minute, she bailed on us, and the reason she gave – and this is true again – is that the administration didn't want her interview on 'The Daily Show' to eclipse the news of the day. Now, that doesn't really make sense to us because this was the news of the day.feedback

Mar 21 2017 - Wiretapping

That's right, people. Obama didn't wiretap Trump, and even the FBI thinks there is something at least worth investigating regarding how much Trump's campaign communicated with Russia. Wow. I did not see that coming.feedback

Mar 19 2017 - Thanksgiving

Imagine you're at Thanksgiving again and your racist uncle walked in.feedback

Mar 12 2017

There's definitely a sense of we're-in-this-together-ness. People are finding a space here in saying, Oh, I'm not crazy – somebody else is also outraged by this.feedback

Mar 07 2017

As with most Trump scandals, the most fun part of the ride is watching his people try, and fail, to defend him.feedback

Mar 07 2017

Just a week ago, the media was calling Donald Trump presidential. Didn't he learn anything from that? You know, the press was like, Dude, you can trick us if you want, just talk nice,' and still he was like, Pass'. You know the story's bonkers when your spokesperson says: 'He can speak for himself'. I'll agree with that: Trump has intelligence that I definitely do not.feedback

Mar 03 2017 - U.S. National Security Adviser

No matter how hard the Trump administration tries, Russia keeps coming back. I'd say that Russia is Trump's herpes. Every time we dig deeper into Trump's campaign, it seems like there's a new person that's connected to the Russians. First it was Paul Manafort, then it was Flynn, the whole thing is like one of those Russian nesting dolls… Now it's Sessions. He lied under oath, while interviewing to be the guy who prosecutes people for lying under oath.feedback

Mar 03 2017

How do Trump's people keep forgetting that they've met with Russians? Lemme tell you something: If you meet a Russian, you remember them. Those people make an impression. The moment they say 'Hel-lo,' it's an immediate fight-or-flight response. You don't forget that. Meeting a Russian is always the highlight of your day. You could meet an alien after you meet a Russian and still you'd be like, You'll never guess what happened on the way to that alien.feedback

Feb 12 2017 - Trump administration

The room is so black it looks like a photo negative of the Trump administration.feedback

Nov 09 2016

I genuinely don't understand how America can be this disorganized or this hateful, I don't know which it is. Right now, I'd call it a nail-biter if I had any nails left.feedback

Jul 13 2016

I know there are moments where I feel like I have excelled or reached where I would like to be. But I'm far from, from where I would like to end up. For now, it is a good grade.feedback

No quotes...
More Trevor Noah quotes
|< <
> >|

Quotes by Trevor Noah

<
>
Quote Verifier
verify-icon
Check if the quote you read on social networks is authentic
facebook_page
twitter_page
This webpage has been created by a robot: errors and absent quotes cannot be totally avoided
 
Feedback×

Quote :

Mistake :

Comments :